Lately I have really been wrestling with this whole issue of how to deal with those who differ from me. When I ask this question, I’m thinking mainly about theological differences, but the question is really broad enough to include a number of different situations in life. For, as sinful, we will inevitably come into disagreement with others about some issue. It is therefore important to consider just how to respond when differences arise. One essay, that I first came across a year or two ago, which has been very helpful along these lines is by Roger Nicole entitled, “Polemic Theology – How to Deal With Those Who Differ From Us”. You can find a copy of the essay here: Founders.org. Below I have included a summary of some of his main points as well as some of my own reflections and difficulties on this subject.
It is my understanding that the goal of communication and interaction with those who differ from us is always greater unity. There are many encouragements in the Bible that call Christians to be united in their view of truth. (1 Cor 1.10 – same mind and judgment; Phil 1.27 – standing firm in one spirit with one mind; Phil 2.2 – being of the same mind; Phil 4.2 – agree in the Lord; Rom 12.16 – live in harmony; 1 Pet 3.8 – have unity of mind). Furthermore, I believe in the unity of truth, as opposed to some who would tend to pursue the plurality of truth. By plurality of truth, I mean the understanding that conflict, tension or even contradiction can exist within truth. It is with this understanding that I strongly disagree. Truth is unified and it ought to bring about unity amongst those who acknowledge it.
In his essay, Dr. Nicole identifies three questions which we should ask when in disagreement with someone else. He stresses not only these questions, but also the order in which they are asked.
What do I owe to the person who differs from me?
“I would say we owe it to our opponents to deal with them in such a way that they may sense that we have a real interest in them as persons, that we are not simply trying to win an argument or show how smart we are, but we are deeply interested in them – and are eager to learn from them as well as to help them.”
The first thing that we should acknowledge is that we have obligations to those who differ from us. Negatively, we do not owe them consent nor indifference. Positively, we do owe them love. In an act of love, it is important that we understand them and what they are saying (read their stuff or better, talk to them) and what they are meaning (re-read their stuff and ask questions for clarification).
Nicole tells a story about quibbling with the wife about “never” taking out the trash which means “not recently”. He says that it becomes a side track to get hung up about the fact that “never” and “not recently” are not the same thing. Now, we should use this as a lesson to ourselves to ensure that we mean what we write and that we write what we mean, but in our conversations with others where these things differ, there should be an element of charity and a focus on semantics (meaning) instead of syntax (wording).
Not only are we to understand their words and meaning but also their aims or goals. What are they really trying to accomplish? Often times this can become a point of correspondence between two differing parties. I know that in my own life I have experienced times where I may disagree sharply with someone over a given issue, but we do share similar aims or goals. This provides a starting point for conversation and can be helpful in bringing together disparate parties.
What can I learn from the person who differs from me?
For me, this question about what I can learn from those who differ from me is the hardest. As I understand it, this question addresses two separate things. First, we can learn from those with whom we differ about other issues not related to the one we are at present discussing. I confess that I find this very difficult to do. There are many times that when I find I disagree with someone about a certain issue, I have a hard time distinguishing that issue from some other one where I may really appreciate what they have to say. Perhaps this is related to my understanding of the interconnectedness of truth. We cannot completely separate out truth in the little separate compartments; there are always connections there. Another reason I think I have a difficult time doing this is because I am afraid that if this individual or group gains the respect of others in speaking about one issue, it will give them a platform from which to speak about their views on the issue over which we disagree. I recognize that this is not a healthy attitude to have. I should praise and uphold truth that is spoken regardless of who says it or their motives. Paul’s words in Philippians are most helpful at this point. Paul is in jail and he gets word that there are some who are preaching Christ while he is in jail. It is unclear about their motives for preaching, but Paul writes: “Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice.” (Phil 1:15-18) Let me clarify and say that Paul is not condoning the preaching of a false gospel or false content. This is because that is the very thing he criticizes the Judaizers for in his letter to the Galatians. What I think Paul is saying is that where the content is true we ought to rejoice. Undoubtedly, the goal is to preach the truth out of good motives, but wherever truth is proclaimed, regardless of motives, by Christians or not, we should rejoice. This is something I have to always keep in mind.
The second thing this question is addressing is that we can obviously learn something from those who differ from us about the issue that we are discussing. In matters not essential to the faith, we should acknowledge that we may be wrong and the other person right. Nicole writes, “A person who corrects our misapprehensions is truly our helper rather than our adversary and we should be grateful for this service rather than resentful of the correction.” Not only can we learn content from them but we also may learn that our presentation of the facts have left out a part of the whole truth. Sometimes, we would do well to thank those who differ from us by helping us grasp a fuller-orbed view of truth. Also, they may call to our attention certain objections, solutions to which we had not before considered. In all these things, we can learn from those with whom we disagree. Finally, with regard to logic, it is important that we distinguish the specifics of a certain view from some of the logical outcomes which we might perceive. It is fair to raise these and to use them as a way to persuade someone to hold a different view but we need to be careful to not confuse the view with its implications.
How can I cope with the person who differs from me?
The third question that Dr. Nicole asks is “How can I cope with the person who differs from me?” By this he means, how ought we go about actually engaging those who differ from us. There are always two sides to this engagement, protective and constructive. Protective strategies firm up the walls of our own arguments and presentations and respond to the critiques of others. Constructive strategies attempt to lay out a more positive case for the position which we hold.
In all disagreements, the Bible must always be the focus of the discussion. We should read it and re-read it in an effort to better understand what it is and is not saying. By doing so, we acknowledge our submission to Christ and his authority over us through his word. We would also do well to read how others in the past have understood the Scripture texts pertaining to the issue we are discussing. In doing so, we acknowledge our belief in God’s Spirit to work in the lives of others throughout time to lead them into greater truth.
One way that we show our genuine concern for those with whom we disagree is by praying. We ought to pray that God would allow us to be gracious towards them in the midst of our disagreement. We also ought to pray that God would soften our hearts and the hearts of those with whom we differ, that we both may come to a better understanding of and love for Christ and his truth. This focus on prayer helps us remember that God is sovereign and that he is therefore in control of whatever situation we may find ourselves in. We must acknowledge that we do not always know the full outcomes of our disagreements. We may not always persuade someone to hold our view on a given issue, in fact, we might actually become persuaded to hold theirs, but regardless of the immediate outcome we can affirm God’s sovereignty. For it is his effort upon which we are dependant, not our own and his truth will prevail in his time.
One passage of Scripture relating to disagreements which I have always found fascinating is 1 Corinthians 11:18-19. Paul is addressing the sad practices which have come up in the church at Corinth over the issue of the Lord’s Supper. In his address, he writes: “For, in the first place, when you come together as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you. And I believe it in part, for there must be factions among you in order that those who are genuine among you may be recognized.” Here Paul seems to acknowledge the fact that there will be disagreements and in some sense it is good that disagreement is present because it allows truth to be displayed. Now, of course this is not an in support of argument and disagreement, but I think that it does serve to remind us that we are not always promised peace in this life and we will encounter disagreements and when we do it is important to remain faithful to God’s truth as revealed in the Bible and to trust in Him to guide his people into all truth.
I’ll stop here now. In sum, this whole issue of dealing with those who differ from us is to me very relevant. Pray for me as I continue to engage with all sorts of people on a whole host of issues.
UPDATED:
Here are a couple of articles I came across after writing this reflection.
Jollyblogger on disputations
John Newton on Controversy